Loneliness
by foxyboy
Summary: In memory of my dear friend, Ludo, I dedicate this work to you. You were great man, no one will ever change the way I think of who or what you may be. Sleep well, Dear Prince...


Loneliness A:link {color blue; TEXT-DECORATION: none} A:active {color purple; TEXT-DECORATION: underline} A:visited {color turquoise; TEXT-DECORATION: none} A:hover {color red; TEXT-DECORATION: none} 

  
"Na laetha geal moig'e"  
  


  
  


LONELINESS  
  
This is just a vent, I know It isn't necessary but I think so otherwise. I'm going through another point of crisis in my young life and at this crucial juncture (I just turned sixteen last May 29.) I don't think that life is worth living anymore. I've vented before and I will do so again. If you are irritated by the fact that I switch between First-person and third person rapidly, then screw you. Flame away, I do not care about your opinion.  


  
  


Justification was something that he wanted so much yet there was absolutely no way of receiving it. There was no one there to console him and there were a lot of people who could have cared less about his situation...  
  
And there were yet others who knew that he didn't even deserve their time.  
  
He was, like most other teenagers, in love but love that was unrequited was wrong love. He loved someone with mind, body and soul... He loved so much that the thought of loving even more would just tear his heart into shreds... He can't deny the fact that he felt it... That thing that a lot of people would simply put off as mere infatuation.  
  
Was he really just infatuated with this person? He knew that he was in love because of the person's physical assets yet there were a lot more things that had caught his attention...  
  
The smile.  
  
The laugh.  
  
The overall intellect of a pea.  
  
This person, this crazy and oftentimes brainless person was the person that he had been loving for so long yet never ha the courage to say it. Fear of rejection was one of humanitys most ominant fears. It lived in everyone and there was no way to try to alter that. Afterall, with all metaphysics aside, all that would remain is the soul of the human being. That thing we call human EMOTION.  
  
We never really love the person for what they are or what we want them to be. We truly love them because of something beyond the workings of a human mind. That soul, that essence of being, was what we wanted. We wanted that essence to be a part of us...  
  
We loved because we know that this person was something that we always wanted to be.  
  
Is love merely just a selfish whim hidden underneath the beautiful white cloth of morality? Do we love just to be able to get another human's attention? Do we love because we want to assimilate a person factors into our selves? Screw compatibility, this was the real thing, what I was feeling.... I loved this person because I wanted to be more like him.  
  
Him... That was a strange word... Him...  
  
It was so damn wrong. It sounded wrong, it felt wrong, and HECK it even smelt wrong! Society sure had a way of slapping you on the wrists with a ruler the size of a buick...  
  
This was unrequited love like no other. This person no only would not return the feelings I have, this person would not even accept the fact that I love him!  
  
How long have we known each other, really? Only, two years or was it just one year? I lost track after the minute I knew that there was something about him that I really adored.  
  
Really, that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to cherish him like no one else can. I want to hold him tight an to smother him with butterfly kisses and to entangle myself with him in a messy collection of white arms and clothing. I was mad for him... Every single cell screamed his name as he passed by me. every single thought in my head was demolished to make way for him. I would throw myself onto the mud just so that his feet would not dirty themselves...  
  
But... Was that not enough?  
  
I always feared that. I always ha this dreaful naggin in my stomach knowing that there was probably going to be no chance of me ever going be with him... He was, afterall, human.  
  
What was I thinking? Was I thinking that I was something beyond the essence of humanity? Was I dreaming that I was a superior being and that my every whim would just be miraculously granted onto me on the proverbial silver paltter?  
  
I was on cloud nine ten and eleven simultaneously! I was riding the train onto ephemeral bliss until I crashed onto the wall that seperated my lovesick delusions from what I hate to call the reality that is the world.  
  
I was a guy.  
  
He was a guy.  
  
And there was absolutely no way for that to change.  
  
It happened so fast that I can't even remember it ever happening. We were together and at that moment, everything seemed so right for the two of us...  
  
Underneath the sun, we were swimming. Everyone was there, everyone that I knew that is. It had been already four hours since the time we entered the pool like immature little boys who knew nothing more than to splash around and to wrestle underwater... I was like them. I was an immature boy who splashedd around and wrestled underwater as well... I wasn't any different from them and no one knew the difference between shallow skin and ocean deep mentality.  
  
I was not suggesting that my friends were dolts all in all, all I was saying was that I had been doing a very good job of not making my secret known. I wasn't like those other people who woul let a small slip up ruin their entire lives. No siree, I wasn't like everyone else. I was different...  
  
Oh yeah, how I knew I was different.  
  
We stopped and lay down there, underneath the cloud-hidden sun, merely resting for just lazy minutes... Minutes that moved on like hous as he lay there on my lap.  
  
He was using my lap as a pillow and of course, I wouldn't mind that. I knew that, even though he had not meant it, he was nuzzling up to me the same way I was hoping that he would be doing in the future. I was reaming again... I do that quite often... And almost always about him.  
  
There, on my lap, he was lying, his eyes closed and his face almost angelic. He wasn't what others would call an angel but to me, that was what he was. He was headstrong, always crazy and never at the same place twice. Merely just for the kicks of it, he would do things that would simply irritate authority figures. I never did that but I was, as to everybody else, an irritation since I always thought of myself as being better at everything... That was, in a way, true to the very core.  
  
I brushed my fingers through his wild hair. He was free...  
  
I was not.  
  
He did not have a care in the world.  
  
I had hundreds.  
  
He had no current romantic interest in anyone.  
  
Heheh... Guess what I was.  
  
Whispering to myself, so softly that no one would ever hear, I said those words...  
  


...I...  
  
...Love...  
  
...You...  
  


He couldn't have heard that. NO ONE could have heard me say that but as sure as fate was going to be, he did.  
  
And from that moment on, I knew that things would never be the same.  
  
I was now isolated from everyone else. He had called me things. Terrible, derogatory and downright nasty things that I would not care to enumerate for you. You do not deserve the same treatment that he gave me... No one deserves that... Not even him, even though he hurt me like no one could ever do.  
  
I could sense the hate burning underneath those multitudes of eyes. They weren't like me... They never did try to see beyond the facade that we try to put up... This was why they never knew about me and this was why they will never forgive me.  
  
I was one of them. I was part of the group... I was... a boy.  
  
But now, I was what? Boy? Girl? Something in between? I know that my heart was caught between my moralistic self and my sentimentality and I knew that it was getting shot repeatedly...  
  
I was now, completely and utterly alone.  
  
At that moment, I could feel the clouds just thicken even mroe and cover up my last rays of sunshine. I was, in a way, now dead.  
  
If only I hadn't been so stupidly sentimental! If only I had just met the right girl who would fly away with my heart in tow! If only...  
  
If only... You know what? If only sounds so much like lonely...  
  
  
  
  
  
As I said, I do not care about your opinion. I just needed to vent so please, shut up and leave me. you can just join everyone else who hates me. 


End file.
